Manly-Man LLC, Rednecksville, Ur County, USA
In the spirit of community service we here at Manly-Man proudly and freely present:
How to be a Manly-Man, 101.
Manly men, abuse their wives and children, in one form or another, take your pick, verbally, physically, but preferably both. Manly-men kick their dogs, and dump baby kittens alongside the highway or throw them off a bridge in a sack to drown helplessly in the frigid and swift water below. They murder the defenseless and vulnerable; large, small, it doesn’t matter, anything from a wren to an elephant, and call it sport. On holidays, they make drunken revelry and grill the flesh and entrails of these hunted and / or the farmed animals whilst consuming massive amounts of their favorite brew to fill their ever-expanding manly-man beer-bellies, which they display with shameless pride.
Then come nighttime, being the romantic manly-man that they are, though suffering from the years of manly-man meat-heavy diets they reach for their manly-man Viagra to erect their manly-man-part, due to a downright humiliating and not so manly-man condition known as E. D., erectile dysfunction — every manly-man’s worst nightmare. Oft times they blame this impotence on their partner. And, why not? This blame typically accompanies shouts and a rage meant to demean and belittle their partner as they slap “the bitch” about the face enforcing the notion that their feeble manhood is the bitch’s fault.
Manly-men paste rebel flags, Browning deer hunter logos, and / or Ranger Boat stickers on their loud and obnoxious smelly diesel manly-man pick-up trucks that sport a pair of manly-man chromed steel nutz swinging from the hitch. — At which point it’s safe to assume that their manly-man self-esteem and over compensation has reached incorrigible proportions. And that is exactly what we’re looking for in a manly-man. No ego can ever be considered too bloated for any manly-man worth his weight in Steel Scrotum™.
Manly-men, when they can wake up from a “helluva Saturday night,” go to church on Sunday and repeat tired rote slogans, such as, “Sweet baby Jesus! Our Father who art in heaven …” and “God, guns, guts, and country music set this country free, and God, guns, guts, and country music will keep it free, by damn.” Then to reinforce their manly-man god-fearing position, they go back into the woods to guzzle more beer where they shout obscenities as they crush a soft empty beer can with their bare hand and toss it in the brush then snort and spit. As the slobber run down their chin they wipe their sleeve across their mouth, pickup the .22-250 and chamber a round while making conscious effort to ensure the business end remains pointed away from them as they take shot at any nearby animal that by now, if they haven’t all been frightened off, appear double. Sometimes, as luck would have it, with staggering gait and blurred vision, they shoot one another, either a direct shot or one ricochet off their manly-man nutz that they mistook for a well-endowed squirrel making sport with their manly-man truck, “Motherfucker, would you look at that.” Boom!
Thus concludes Manly-Man 101. Stay tuned for the upcoming Manly-Man 102 where we’ll cover the importance of wearing your Mossy Oak camo underwear while watching NASCAR; give you three foolproof excuses for calling off work; show you proven techniques on how to inebriate and seduce your sister-in-law (video included), and we’ll review the intent and the spirit behind manly-man eXtreme Patriarchy®.
Until then, God bless.
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