The Meat Eater’s Menu

As vegans and vegetarians who visit restaurants know, it’s depressing to read menus vividly describing the cut, battered, fried, and grilled body parts of our friends. We scan the list of horrid realities in hopes to find something suitable to our refined and evolved cruelty-free tastes.

So, to offer these mindless gluttonous flesh-eating fiends a taste of our pain, I’ve deviously devised this fictitious menu specifically tailored to those of a bloodlust persuasion. And any offense taken is hoped for and well deserved. Enjoy.

The Meat Eater’s Menu

Now with extra GMOs and high in sodium and fats in every bite.
Brought to you by, Zombies Unite, a division of Zombies Galore, Inc.

Groin of Redneck

A tender pair of succulent testicles marinated in their own spirits, grilled to perfection. Served with a cut of pickled foreskin.

Bastard Balls

A generous portion of stir-fried jewels served in a crispy nut sack.

Tit of Wench

A full cup of all natural breast, soaked in its own creamy curd.

Wiener of Whoreson

Served on a sesame seed bun smothered with your favorite bodily excrements, limit two.

Callous of Toe

Only the most hardened toes aged in a rich and pungent toe jam. Served with a side of Fungal Toenails.

Nipples of the Sexes

The house specialty. An assortment of nipple chips, battered and deep-fried. Available as an appetizer or as a main course.

Blabbering Tongue

Flame broiled and served steamy hot with a side of chilled cheekbone.

Clogged Arteries

A plateful of clogged and hardened veins and arteries pulled fresh each night.

Tumorous Growth

A ghastly growth straight from the operating table to ours. Served in a bowl of its own zesty juices with your choice of either Fungal Toenails or Pickled Foreskin. (Portion size varies depending on the tumor.)

Joint of Gout

Gnaw on our fresh and reddened-to-perfection flesh, ball and socket for days on end. Available for take-out only.

All rights reserved, Zombies Galore, Inc.

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Author: Peter Schreiner

Ethical Vegan, Idealistic Anarchist and Practicing Nonconformist, Amateur Writer, Prolific Dreamer, Hardcore Misanthrope

25 thoughts on “The Meat Eater’s Menu”

  1. Clever, Peter. Kind of brings it home when we drop the euphemisms. I had the electrician in the other day, and he told me how he’d once been requested to install fluorescent lighting in a butcher’s shop. A couple of days after the job was completed the butcher phoned him to say that customers had been complaining that the meat looked like dead animals. Apparently, standard fluorescent tubes make dead flesh look real, with death’s characteristic bluish tint, so supermarkets ensure their lighting on the meat counter makes it look . . . undead?

    Liked by 7 people

  2. ‘All rights reserved, Zombies Galore, Inc.’ – Nice touch at the end of a clever post sir. They really don’t seem to get it. Drives me nuts sometimes.

    On another note, I went to an ‘à la carte completely vegan restaurant that’s opened about three miles away the other evening, and the food was an absolute delight. Incredibly innovative with the emphasis being to show just how beautiful tasting vegan food can be.

    esme sat with Peter nodding upon the Cloud

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you, Esme.

      And on yet another note, this, a “Vegan Hippie Chick” racecar driver in the number one redneck spectator sport in the USA, NASCAR, will drive a vegan sponsored racecar, next Saturday in the season opener. As a car buff living in the midwest, I can tell you this has the makings of a game changer. I’m so excited I could pee my pants.

      Liked by 5 people

          1. “To my face they’ve been surprisingly respectful” – I’m pleased about that, but not sure the above photoshoot will help to rid her of all those grim ‘lines’. Does she mention veganism on the other pages H? Still, she’s the first female vegan driver, so that’s something. What an unfortunate name though!

            esme upon the Cloud

            Liked by 3 people

            1. I asked the Word Hippo about that name. That purple hippo is at least as polyglotish as all get out, possibly more so. Chiming in a month late on this thread since I’d missed it earlier. Munter is one of those (many) words not common on the left side of the Atlantic, so I resorted to German and learned whatever it is that I learned until becoming distracted again 🙂
              http://www.wordhippo.com/what-is/the-meaning-of/german-word-munter.html

              Liked by 3 people

  3. This is wonderful! I love it! But not to attempt to upstage you or anything, but I was in my favorite vegan watering hole when in walks a dude in a mask and shoots up the place. Apparently, he was upset with us vegans since we apparently, looked too healthy. One man is in the hospital recovering from a gun shot wound to the head and so now, we must find another vegan watering hole.

    But I absolutely love this! I wish I could make copies of it and sneak it onto buffet tables in restaurants that serve our friends up on platters. I would love to hear the horrified gasps. I may just do that!

    Liked by 4 people

      1. Oh indeed, I do love this! Peter, I expected this type of horrifying mess because after all, this is Baltimore. So far, my cousin’s been shot and I’ve been nearly shot, and yet, here I stay. shrug

        But I would still love to place a copy of that menu on some tables in some restaurants because what a way to get a point across? WOW! I absolutely LOVE this!

        Liked by 2 people

  4. Well done, sir. Your logic is quite consistent and thoroughly believable to my vegan-nourished eyes. I pore over the menu and imagine images to accompany each menu choice, such as lurid photographs of dismemberment, decapitation, mutilation and first-degree burns (seared and blackened).
    What is the genuine difference between cannibalism, and enjoying succulently prepared body parts of a fellow sentient being with as highly evolved a central nervous system, with all the inconvenient similarities between the animal consumer and the animal consumed?
    But it is societally sanctioned, it’s something called an entree — the heart (sometimes literally the heart) of a healthy diet. You see, it’s OK — those animals on your plate did not have four fingers and an opposing thumb, nor did they have vocal chords conducive to a variety of uttering. So, it’s OK, you see.
    Bon appetit!

    Liked by 3 people

  5. I’m not sure why (maybe ’cause I’m in Redneck heaven) but the marinated testes made my mouth water a little. Should I be concerned? ~ Fellow vegan and your friend at DirtNKids, Shannon

    Liked by 3 people

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