The Declaration of Interconnectivity
When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to reinforce the bandwidth which hath connected them to one another, and to assume among the power of interconnectivity, the connected and equal station to which the laws of technology entitle them, a decent respect for the opinions of The Great Disconnects requires that they should declare the causes which secure them to Commonality.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men, women, and gender divergent are created equal (kind of, sort of; okay, maybe not), that they are endowed by their Creator — whatever the fuck that is — with certain unalienable Rights, that among these, are global Internet access. The right to connect from anywhere in the world to various platforms of time-sucking social media; to Like, re-post, and praise the antiquated, inculcated, rehashed dogma of the powers that be; to play Candy Crush, Pokemon, and other enfeebling crap to excess, and to seek myriads of mindless amusements meant to distract from the less pressing issues of animal rights, ecological collapse, nuclear Armageddon, and other petty little shit like that. That to secure these self-kneading rights, radical high-speed wireless broadband networks are or shall be created across the globe allowing no dead-spots and at any and all detriment to man, beast, and planetary concerns. But as we all fucking know, it’s worth it.
All experience and psychological research and half-assed cursory examination hath shewn that humankinds are more disposed to piddling distractions while iPhones are afforded affordability via the endless installments of planned obsolescence than to right themselves of their oblivious, overweening enslavement to technological gadgetry.
We, therefore, the Representatives of Connectivity, appealing to the Supreme Keeper of Connectivity, for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by the authority of Applied Science, solemnly publish and declare the right of our high speed, zero downtime, global interconnectivity or we will pout, stomp our feet, and spit on the sidewalks of downtown.