The Meat Eater’s Menu

As vegans and vegetarians who visit restaurants know, it’s depressing to read menus vividly describing the cut, battered, fried, and grilled body parts of our friends. We scan the list of horrid realities in hopes to find something suitable to our refined and evolved cruelty-free tastes.

So, to offer these mindless gluttonous flesh-eating fiends a taste of our pain, I’ve deviously devised this fictitious menu specifically tailored to those of a bloodlust persuasion. And any offense taken is hoped for and well deserved. Enjoy.

The Meat Eater’s Menu

Now with extra GMOs and high in sodium and fats in every bite.
Brought to you by, Zombies Unite, a division of Zombies Galore, Inc.

Groin of Redneck

A tender pair of succulent testicles marinated in their own spirits, grilled to perfection. Served with a cut of pickled foreskin.

Bastard Balls

A generous portion of stir-fried jewels served in a crispy nut sack.

Tit of Wench

A full cup of all natural breast, soaked in its own creamy curd.

Wiener of Whoreson

Served on a sesame seed bun smothered with your favorite bodily excrements, limit two.

Callous of Toe

Only the most hardened toes aged in a rich and pungent toe jam. Served with a side of Fungal Toenails.

Nipples of the Sexes

The house specialty. An assortment of nipple chips, battered and deep-fried. Available as an appetizer or as a main course.

Blabbering Tongue

Flame broiled and served steamy hot with a side of chilled cheekbone.

Clogged Arteries

A plateful of clogged and hardened veins and arteries pulled fresh each night.

Tumorous Growth

A ghastly growth straight from the operating table to ours. Served in a bowl of its own zesty juices with your choice of either Fungal Toenails or Pickled Foreskin. (Portion size varies depending on the tumor.)

Joint of Gout

Gnaw on our fresh and reddened-to-perfection flesh, ball and socket for days on end. Available for take-out only.

All rights reserved, Zombies Galore, Inc.

Advertisements

Pigs, Pigskins, Roosters, and Jackasses

A Short Story

Introduction – Meet Oliver

Oliver Hawkenmiejer was a ninety-two-year-old Hoosier. As robust now as he was during the 1939 State Final when, with only 17 seconds left in the ball game, he intercepted a pass and ran it back 92 yards. He was a local hero destined for fame. But he’s been handling hogs ever since. Dropped out of school and inherited the family pig business when his daddy had a heart attack, right about the same time Oliver cleared the last yard. However, speculation is that the fall killed the old man, not the heart attack.

There he was at the top of the bleachers jumping up and down with youthful cheerleading enthusiasm. Nearly four hundred pounds of him bouncing and shouting, “Go, go, go!” encouraging Oliver into to the end zone. Then all of a sudden his “Go, go, go” became an “Oh, oh, oh” and he grabbed his chest and fell backward over the railing, twenty or so feet to ground. A misfortune compounded by landing on top of the Strutenville Hogs’ mascot, Wilber. No one then realized Wilber was flat as a pancake beneath the old man until the paramedics, two of them and six football players, rolled Mr. Hawkenmiejer over and onto a makeshift stretcher. To this day, Oliver blames that interception for both their deaths.

Chapter 1 – Pigs

The year is 1922.

“Grab that piggy boy!”

“Yes sir, daddy. I’ll get her!” said Oliver, covered in four or more layers of mud, slipping and sliding through the hog pen, “Gotcha!” But the slippery little piglet slipped right out of his grip.

“Almost had her, daddy!”

“Almosts don’t count, boy. Now get out of there and wash up for dinner.”

Oliver, with arms waving, slipped and slid his way out of the pen, climbed over the fence and laid a muddy trail to the pond where he cannonballed into the murky water. Water snakes and turtles surprised and frightened, quickly dove beneath the surface. This was likely the last bath Oliver would have until next Saturday.

“Tormenting the pigs again?” asked Elisabeth, setting baked ham on the table with one hand as she picked off a glob of mud from behind Oliver’s ear with the other. Continue reading “Pigs, Pigskins, Roosters, and Jackasses”