As vegans and vegetarians who visit restaurants know, it’s depressing to read menus vividly describing the cut, battered, fried, and grilled body parts of our friends. We scan the list of horrid realities in hopes to find something suitable to our refined and evolved cruelty-free tastes.
So, to offer these mindless gluttonous flesh-eating fiends a taste of our pain, I’ve deviously devised this fictitious menu specifically tailored to those of a bloodlust persuasion. And any offense taken is hoped for and well deserved. Enjoy.
The Meat Eater’s Menu
Now with extra GMOs and high in sodium and fats in every bite.
Brought to you by, Zombies Unite, a division of Zombies Galore, Inc.
Groin of Redneck
A tender pair of succulent testicles marinated in their own spirits, grilled to perfection. Served with a cut of pickled foreskin.
A generous portion of stir-fried jewels served in a crispy nut sack.
Tit of Wench
A full cup of all natural breast, soaked in its own creamy curd.
Wiener of Whoreson
Served on a sesame seed bun smothered with your favorite bodily excrements, limit two.
Callous of Toe
Only the most hardened toes aged in a rich and pungent toe jam. Served with a side of Fungal Toenails.
Nipples of the Sexes
The house specialty. An assortment of nipple chips, battered and deep-fried. Available as an appetizer or as a main course.
Flame broiled and served steamy hot with a side of chilled cheekbone.
A plateful of clogged and hardened veins and arteries pulled fresh each night.
A ghastly growth straight from the operating table to ours. Served in a bowl of its own zesty juices with your choice of either Fungal Toenails or Pickled Foreskin. (Portion size varies depending on the tumor.)
Joint of Gout
Gnaw on our fresh and reddened-to-perfection flesh, ball and socket for days on end. Available for take-out only.
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